After the Apocalypse
by clac234
Summary: Sequel to Once Upon an Apocalypse. 5 years after the outbreak, Kate is trying to pick up the pieces from life at CEDA's camp.
1. Prologue

Five Years Later - August 2018

The sun was unrelenting and the air was thick as soup. Not surprising. Just another day on the road. I tried to remember that the rising temperature and humidity meant I was getting close. I had to be.

I'd had the map held in my mind for years now, the one that was too dangerous for physical copies. Wouldn't want CEDA picking up where their test subjects had run off to. I grit my teeth, trying to read the cracked sign by the road. I knew I'd already crossed into Tennessee…was this the exit? My mind was too dull to tell for sure. _Goddamn it all. You managed to get lost again, didn't you?_

I shook my head, hoping to clear it, and sucked down the last few drops from my water bottle. _Damn. Out of water now too. Batting a thousand today, Kate._ Did I still have those iodine drops somewhere? I was sure there must be a water source around. Had to be, even if I had to settle for a dirty puddle. What was more dangerous anyway: dehydration or getting sick off bad water? My head was pounding dully; it had been for days now.

I missed the snow sometimes.

I grumbled wordlessly, squinting at the sign for the exit ramp again. It shouldn't be half this hard. Maybe I really _was_ in trouble this time. What would happen if I passed out on my own out here? How long would it take me to get eaten alive?

 _Then it'd wake you up, wouldn't it? Now fucking focus. What's on the sign?_

I blinked, shambling a few steps closer. That was better. Maybe it had been a glare or something. Heat waves from the asphalt. Another squint revealed a small, spray painted symbol. It was the usual crudely drawn house and cross, but the black ink was surrounded by a faded green circle. I laughed woodenly and snorted. Apparently, someone had gotten a little too creative with their work here.

But a safe room was a safe room. Maybe there'd even be water.

I headed off in the indicated direction at a snail's pace, singing under my breath as usual to keep myself company. I couldn't remember half the words to any songs, but filling in the blanks occupied my time better anyway.

"Always gonna be another zombie…never gonna wanna see it moooove…"

Probably a good thing I'd been traveling alone. My voice was dry as sandpaper and cracked, basically the fingernails on the chalkboard of life.

"Always gonna run out of ammo…sometimes I'm gonna have to…to…ah, shit. Uh…"

I stopped and frowned at the huge wall on the horizon. That…definitely wasn't a safe room. Looked more like a prison. _CEDA._ I limped off the path as quickly as I could manage, taking cover in the tree line. Shit. If folks were there, all I could hope was that I'd been overlooked by any lookout. _Or heard._ Could be another CEDA facility for all I knew, but why would Sharon have had a settlement in the same _state_ if that were the case? I had a hard time believing she'd been double crossing us after what happened to her.

I shook my head. _Best not to think about it. Right._ I waited a little longer, stomach sinking when I heard the unmistakable mechanics of the gate opening. They must've seen me, whoever they were.

Fight or flight. But I knew I wouldn't get anywhere on foot fast enough in my condition. I doubly confirmed that when I saw the Jeep pull down the road. Wasn't about to outrun that, even in top shape. Trusting no one, I went for Plan C: duck down and pray they didn't see me. My heart hammered in my ears as they stopped within twenty feet of me. No doubt they'd seen me already, but they were too close for me to even attempt running now. My hand drifted soundlessly to my hunting knife; if worst came to worst, I wasn't about to go down without a fight.

"Hello?" It was a woman's voice, an unfamiliar one. Jarring to hear after months of talking to myself. "It's alright…we don't want to hurt you." _Yeah. Right. Look where that got me last time._ Another car door slammed and I heard another set of footsteps.

"You _sure_ it wasn't just a zombie?" A man's voice this time. _That_ voice rang a bell, but I couldn't place it for the life of me. I was wound too tightly to do anything but freeze and listen.

"No," the woman answered, low enough that I doubted I was meant to hear, "But I doubt it. When's the last time you've seen one wandering by itself? And whoever it was, they were on the path. With a backpack. You don't see a lot of the undead carting supplies around." The man scoffed,

"We're wasting time. Hey, you!" Obviously directed at me. "We _saw_ you. Stay out here for all we care, but we're not playing hide and seek all day."

"Goddamn it, Nick. You catch more flies with honey, you know. Jesus."

"Thought you said it was human?"

"Jackass. Look, let's just get back. I bet you anything you scared them off anyway."

Good. They were leaving. Finally. I could figure the rest out on my own. Maybe stay in place until dark, move while their visibility was poorer. That was, assuming I still had enough energy to move when I'd eaten nothing but an expired protein bar all day. And still no more water.

 _Wait…Nick?_

I stumbled to my feet with an undignified crash of branches, doing my best to ignore what would happen if I was wrong. Dehydration threw your survival instinct for a loop. Sure enough, I wandered back to the path to find two rifles pointed at my chest. I grit my teeth and forced myself to look at the others.

One was certainly new, a lean and tall middle-aged woman with salt and pepper hair pulled into a thick ponytail. The man…I chuckled. My vision was swimming, so what I saw was likely a trick of the light and heat again. Still, his gun lowered a fraction of an inch and his eyebrows raised.

"I'll be damned…Princess?"

I laughed again, gratingly dry,

"Hey, Nick."

It was the most I could manage before I passed out.

* * *

I wasn't out long, but I wasn't exactly lucid when I woke either. Someone had taken my knife and backpack, which would have sent me into a panic if I'd been in any better shape. My forehead was warm and sticky, but what part of me wasn't? My leg stung, that was new, and someone was carrying me. I didn't protest to any of it. My head was too heavy to hold up, and I couldn't hear a goddamn thing they were trying to say to me. One of them slapped me, but it didn't make a difference.

 _Knock it off, asshole. You're still gonna sound like Peanuts teachers from here._

I was distantly aware I was mumbling something too, but I couldn't understand my own words any better. I _really_ hoped I hadn't managed to get a concussion. Were we moving? Must be in the truck. _At least it will be a short ride._

Time kept lapsing without my permission. One minute I was lying on the bench seat in the Jeep, next I was wincing against the noise of the huge gate creaking open and closed, then I was in a bed. The papery sheets reminded me of a hospital. _Probably because it_ is _one, you nitwit._

Next I knew, there was an IV in my arm and a thin blanket covering me. When had they put me in a hospital gown? Or gotten me clean? Or…huh. _Must've changed a few bandages while they were at it. Busy busy._ I opened my eyes, but had to squint and clench my teeth at the soft light of the bedside lamp. Even that was too bright right now.

 _God_ , my head was killing me.

"You've looked better." Maybe I wasn't hallucinating. That still sounded a hell of a lot like Nick. Somehow, I doubted anyone attached you to IV drips in the afterlife. I turned my leaden head to see him sitting near my bed in an office chair, arms crossed. Huh. He had a hell of a sunburn.

"Your nose is peeling," I told him, still having an impossible time focusing. He snorted.

"Yeah. Helpful. What the hell happened to you?" I rasped a laugh.

"Now _that_ is a long fucking story."


	2. Lost and Found

September 2016

" _Don't. You. Dare."_

" _What? I'm not touchin' you…"_

" _Why am I not surprised you two are even_ bigger _assclowns drunk?"_

 _Okay, so Nick had a point. Not that this wasn't stupid on a more general front; what kind of genius idea was it to get a drunk group tattoo? One thing had led to another. Nick managed to snag some rum, group bonding ensued, Louis sketched the simple compass design, and Francis actually knew how to apply the damn thing._

 _Oh, and Rochelle had brought bandages and disinfectant. Obviously the clearest thinker here._

 _Ah, who the hell cared anyway? We could be dead tomorrow, the way things were headed. Besides, I had enough marks on my body from zombie scars already. What was one more decoration? It had looked pretty badass before Rochelle wrapped me up again._

 _Damn it. Ellis was reaching over to poke me again._

 _"Dude, you are going to_ get _it!" He only laughed when I swatted his shoulder._

* * *

August 2018 

What had happened? Maybe I should have started with the last time we'd all been together. What was that? Nearly two years ago now? Fall of 2016. Near Thanksgiving. The details sputtered through my mind but evaded me when I tried to focus on them. _Damn._ I really hoped this wasn't going to last long. What the hell was wrong with me anyway? Shouldn't there have been a doctor in here giving me an update at least?

"You said you were alone," Nick prompted, likely getting sick of my vague answers. I could only stare at him blankly. I must have said something about that on the way over. Of course they would wonder about other survivors.

"Yeah…I…" I winced and tried to sit up straight, unconsciously rubbing the tattoo inside my right forearm. I cleared my throat. "Zoey and Louis took off when we were up north. Around Maine. Something about they…didn't want to risk town." Simplest way of putting it. They figured putting all the carriers in place made things too easy for CEDA. After all we'd lost, I couldn't really blame them. I was still bitter, but I couldn't say much. What else should I have expected anyway? They'd made it clear from the beginning that they looked out for their own. Maybe the rest of us hadn't quite qualified.

Nick's expression flickered, but he didn't seem surprised. He just nodded reluctantly.

"Francis too?"

I shook my head, swallowing against a wave of nausea.

"No," I managed, "He…didn't make it out of CEDA. First day." I didn't dare meet Nick's eyes. It seemed my question might be answered by how empty the room was. Still, I had to ask. I'd lived with uncertainty too long to hesitate now. I swallowed, my hands kneading the coverlet,

"What about…?" God, I couldn't even manage to form the words. Thankfully, what I wanted was obvious enough. There was only a moment's pause before he spoke again,

"We made it out. Not far. Coach…" I looked up in time to see him shake his head, "Fucking tank. Maybe a week in." Bile rose in my throat as I waited for the rest of his answer. He recovered and continued, "Ro and Ellis…we made it this far. I'll have someone grab Ro when her shift starts. Ellis should be back in a couple days."

Back from _what?_ The look must have been pretty obvious; Nick just chuckled at my expression.

"Cool it, Princess. Just some repairs at Palmer. He'll be kicking himself."

What the hell was he on about? It took me a second to process what he'd told me. I wasn't even near my right mind. I could only blink and nod. Even sitting up had cost me valuable energy. Nick, thankfully, seemed to notice.

"Rest up, alright? You're not in any kind of shape to talk about this anyway. Try to relax. I know it's hard to believe, but…you should be safe here. No government. No CEDA. We're in our own hands." Somehow, that last bit was the most reassuring. I wasn't sure I could handle letting some unknown take the wheel again. That had always ended poorly. _To say the least._ Coach, Francis…countless others I hadn't known. It was best not to expect much. The best I could do was another nod. I'd cooperate for now. Nick was one of the least trusting people I'd known; if something was fishy, he'd have let on. Right?

* * *

They started me off on solids the next time the doctor showed up. Stale animal crackers. Wasn't any better than what I'd had on the road, but I wasn't picky; I had to restrain myself from scarfing down the entire package in two minutes flat. I barely paid any attention to what the doctor was saying, opting to wash the gluey texture out of my mouth with water instead. Bottle was drained in seconds. _Don't know when you'll eat again. Don't know when you'll drink again. Don't know when you'll need to move again. Don't know…_

Oh good. I was getting weird looks _again_.

Probably couldn't hold it too far against them. The clearly did-it-myself haircut and dark dye job was one thing, the half-starved body from months on the road was another. I looked like a damned coyote. Acted like one too. Wouldn't put it past me to bite anyone who came close. Hell, I'd had to do it before. I swallowed, dropping the bottle into my lap.

"What?"

Nick frowned and ignored my question, turning back to the doctor.

"Look, how long until she can leave? She can stay with me and Ro for now. We'll keep an eye on her."

My hand twitched. I really didn't need supervision. Hell, I'd been alone this long. _He knows that. They_ caused _that._

The doctor shrugged, "Assuming she's keeping food down, there's no reason to stay overnight. I take it you two know each other?" He glanced between the two of us with a thoughtful frown. "Your sister?"

Nick raised an eyebrow, "Something like that. When can we leave?"

"Give it an hour. We should be able to remove the IV by then. She's already more alert, and vitals look good, all things considered."

Fantastic. Another hour of that damned needle when I'd _just_ started to notice it was there. This would be fun. I wondered what would happen if I had a panic attack in front of them. _They'd lock you up. Wanna bet? Don't touch your damn arm._ I hadn't realized I was scratching at the edge of the tape, peeling it back. I stopped. _You take it off, they're gonna freak. Breathe._

Breathe. Easy enough suggestion, but I wasn't having a lot of luck. I squeezed my eyes shut and grit my teeth hard enough to start a tic in my jaw. _Breathe in. One. Two. Three. Out. One. Two. Three. Keep going._

 _One. Two. Three._

I usually only had the luxury of doing those exercises in safe rooms. Losing attention in the open would be deadly.

I killed a lot of time calming myself down, ignoring everyone else in the room. _You're okay right now. They're going to let you go soon. You could leave if you wanted…probably. If you stay calm. Don't give them reason to doubt you._ Thankfully, I was able to hold on until the doctor removed the IV. I pressed the cotton ball to the crease of my arm as I was told, trying to look every inch the model citizen. I took one more deep breath.

"Can I…get out of here now?"

The doctor still seemed reluctant, but having me supervised was probably more convincing than releasing me to my own care. Still wasn't happy about that, but I could figure that out later. Might be best to stay with familiar faces while I figured out next steps anyway.

"You should be alright. Keep drinking as much water as you can tolerate, and I'll send you back with some protein shakes." Well, at least he was talking directly to me now. That was progress. He even wrote everything down, particularly symptoms I should head directly back to the med center for. I got a pair of jeans and an oversized t-shirt to change into, and he finally sent the two of us off. I didn't even bother offering to carry the protein shakes; I was feeling sick and achy as hell and figured Nick would bite my head off.

Neither of us spoke as we walked. I supposed the important stuff was mostly out of the way now that we both knew who was still alive. He did keep stealing concerned glances at me when he thought I wasn't looking though. That was irritating. If I was getting the pity party from _Nick_ , what would it be like with everyone else?

* * *

We stopped several blocks into the compound—holy _shit_ was this place huge—and entered what had been some chain hotel. Looked like someone had painted over the original logo. _Nice place. Huge improvement over breaking into gas stations and sleeping on the floor._ Those had saved my ass more times than I'd like to count; convenience store food was meant to keep well past the damn apocalypse.

I followed along, through the spacious lobby and up three flights of stairs without talking. Stared like a tourist the entire time. Nice place. I wasn't surprised this was where they'd chosen to settle in. Freaking stone floors in the lobby. Wood paneled columns. TVs had been looted, and some of the furniture was missing, but this place was either pretty close to its original condition or someone had put in a ton of time getting it back to normal.

The suite itself was bigger than I'd expected, with a king-sized bed, kitchenette, and living room. More like an apartment than a hotel. I stood awkwardly in the middle of the space, feeling like an intruder. They'd clearly been here a while. Unfolded laundry waiting in a basket. Dishes in the sink from breakfast. Sketches and notes taped to the wall above the desk. One stood out, something like a police composite sketch. Without thinking, I lifted the corner of the paper, examining the features.

It felt like I'd been dunked in a bucket of ice water when I realized it was supposed to be me. It was a decent likeness from before they'd left, but I'd changed since then. My cheeks were hollower now, face nicked with a handful of scars since no one had had my back in months. Lost in thought, I tensed immediately when the door opened again, reaching for a knife that wasn't there.

Rochelle. Someone must have let her know I was here. I guessed I'd been out of it long enough for Nick to go himself.

"Oh my god…" She didn't seem to know what to say either. I just shrugged.

"What?" I swallowed, trying to keep my voice level, "Surprised to see me?" It came out bitter. I might as well have slapped them. Their expressions morphed in an instant and Nick's arm wound around Rochelle's shoulders. _Yeah. Some of us haven't had that luxury. Companionship. Security. Must be nice._ I shook my head and walked to the window. I heard Nick sigh, but I refused to turn around.

"Look," he started, "We've been looking. Had someone make copies of those sketches, post them in the other settlements…"

"I wasn't _in_ the other settlements."

"No. But it was the best we could do from here." Would I have done anything different in their shoes? I wasn't sure how they'd made it out alive once we'd been found out. Didn't seem possible without advance notice. Someone could have tipped them off, and they still hadn't made the effort to find the rest of us.

"Yeah, how far out did you bother going?" I knew I was frustrating them. I knew I was being harsh and possibly unreasonable. I didn't care.

"We couldn't go further than fifty miles. Best range of the radios on a clear day. Couldn't risk it."

"Fifty _whole_ miles, huh?" I scoffed, rubbing my arm. "You hear that? I'm worth a _whole_ fifty miles, huh? Must've been rough. Drove the whole way too? Took a whole hour out of your busy itinerary at the fortress?" I could hear one of them moving forward, and I tensed, but thankfully no one tried to touch me.

"Sweetie…" Rochelle hesitated, "It…it wasn't our _choice._ There were others with us. Whole group would have been taken back." I scowled, finally turning around. My nails were digging so hard into the back of my hand, I was sure I'd drawn blood. That was good. Pain would keep me distracted from wanting to punch something and make this worse.

"At least _they_ knew to take care of their own."

"Don't start that bullshit," Nick warned, "None of them had to make that choice. You were on the same tasks. By the time any of us knew what was going on, you were all stuck anyway."

"Fuck you, Nick." I remembered the last moments of that day like yesterday; nightmares always outlive dreams. Nick hadn't been there. He hadn't seen the look on Francis' face at the end. That desperation and hopelessness…knowing he was powerless to help. I gnawed the inside of my cheek hard, preventing any tears before they could form, and stormed off with the little dignity I had left to the bathroom.

No lock. They could come in any time they wanted. I growled in frustration and removed the top of the toilet's tank, then set it up against the door. At least this way, I'd have some warning if someone tried to come in. I curled up in the bathtub, clutching my knees to my chest and waiting. I could still hear them talking outside the door.

"I…she just needs space, Nick. We need to give her time." _Like you have any damn idea what I need._

"Fine. You won't catch me fighting that. Anyone radioed Ellis yet?"

"I'm…not sure that's a good idea. I don't want him driving distracted…"

"Kid's always distracted. You can't just spring this shit on him at the gate. Not when—"

"I know." Rochelle sighed, pausing a long time before continuing, "I know. Maybe you're right. It's…kind of a big shock. Travis can drive them back instead if he's not up for it."

At least he wasn't alone then. I sighed and relaxed a fraction; staying this stiff was only going to hurt worse. No sense in getting my leg bleeding again or straining the vein that had a needle in it an hour ago.

What the hell had gotten into me anyway? I was supposed to be relieved to see them. I _had_ been, out on the road. But now that I'd had a chance to rest, all that was coming up was resentment. I'd spent so much damn effort and focus on sheer survival, I'd forgotten to feel betrayed. Now I had the time, I supposed. Knowing that didn't change anything.

I stood, legs shaky as a fawn's, and grabbed a couple towels from the rack before laying back in the tub. At least I'd have a pillow in my den for once. I was more than used to a dirty concrete floor, or the backseat of an unlocked car. Still wouldn't make me rest any easier; trying to ignore dueling feelings of betrayal and guilt wasn't easy.

 _They left me._

 _They didn't have a choice._

 _They knew they were leaving me to die._

 _They didn't think they could change anything._

 _They could have done more._

 _It's been years. You need to let it go._

 _I hate them._

 _You miss them._

I was so damned tired.

* * *

January 2017

Whatever it takes. _We were getting the hell out of here. We were out of time. The plan wasn't perfect, but what good had planning ahead done last time? I grit my teeth and got out of bed, retrieving the hidden scalpel under my pillow._

 _The moment the door opened, I stabbed the weapon into the jugular of the orderly without hesitation._

 _I met my own terrified gaze in the mirror, trying to ignore the blood soaking into my light hair. We were getting the hell out of here._

 _Whatever it takes._

* * *

 _A/N: Decided not to go with songs as chapter titles this round, but I might post a new playlist at some point. Let me know what you think…I'd love to hear any feedback._

 _And thanks to Sylissa, who reviewed anonymously on OUAA!_


	3. Walls

May 2018

 _Looked like my luck had run out again. The truck Zoey and Louis had left me had run out of gas a week ago, and my route south had turned suspiciously quiet. I was purposefully avoiding large cities, but that meant less cars to use. More walking. Fifty miles this week, best I could guess. I'd been making quadruple that driving, even on more cluttered roads._

 _I knew my feet were blistered and bleeding again, but there wasn't anything I could do. I'd have to find shelter for the night first. Food. Water, since all the snow had melted. Just fucking figured that the blizzard only took a couple weeks to melt off. Having a reliable water source around had been too easy._

 _I sat down for a moment, though I knew damn well it was a bad idea. My legs buckled beneath me and I leaned on a section of chain link fence to keep from collapsing entirely. Ugh. That definitely didn't feel any better. I would have been better off hobbling another couple miles. I'd seen a sign for a rest stop; that usually meant some level of food or shelter._

 _A hunter screeched behind me._

 _I immediately stumbled to my feet, but I barely had time to face the sound before being tackled to the damp asphalt. One of its hands crushed into my throat, keeping me from regaining any of the air I'd just lost. I tried to gasp, but it came out an ineffective gurgle. Irritated, the hunter ground a knee into my stomach to subdue me. My hands scrabbled to protect myself, one grasping desperately at the claws on my throat, the other reaching for my knife._

 _That was a mistake; it left my face open. The hunter took advantage, scoring a vicious swipe on my cheek. One claw dug deep across the corner of my mouth, and I couldn't hold back a scream. Black crawled across my vision as the chokehold took its toll._

 _It would be so easy to give in. It was better than other options of dying…crushed into the pavement by a charger, disemboweled by a hunter, boiled alive by a spitter. If I had a say, I would have stopped fighting at that point._

 _But survival had become such a bad habit._

 _Straining, I finally reached the knife. Operating on instinct alone, I gripped the hilt and drove it deeply into the hunter's ribs…once, twice, a dozen times, until it had no choice but to release my neck. It sprang back with a snarl. I choked in desperately needed air and barely managed to regain my feet before the hunter did._ Sloppy. I missed anything vital.

 _I took the brief opportunity to stab it in the ear._ Not good enough. _It was still moving, howling in anger and raking the claws on its uninjured side down the front of my chest. The sweatshirt I wore shielded me from most of the damage, and it pulled me close enough for one of us to finish the job._

 _I plunged the blade through its forehead and watched its body sink to the ground._

 _I stabbed it twice more in the head. Once in the throat for good measure._

 _Grimacing, I held my sleeve to my injured cheek. That would need to be disinfected. Maybe stitched up._ I should never have stopped moving. _I hefted my backpack over my shoulder again and kept heading south. I didn't know anything else anymore._

* * *

August 2018

I hadn't slept well that night, despite being theoretically safer than usual and finding some of the people I'd lost. _Probably because you decided the bathtub was a better plan than the couch, genius._ I sat up stiffly, clenching my jaw as my joints popped. My head was pounding like a bad hangover. My stomach snarled angrily. _Crap. Forgot to eat anything else last night. Should have had one of those shakes at least. More water too._ I could have gotten water from the tap, but I'd stubbornly refused; I figured if they knew I was awake, they'd take that as an invitation to talk.

Grumbling again, I braced myself on the side of the tub and stood. I was still unsteady on my feet. I'd need to fix that; who knew when I'd need to move again? I went to the sink to splash cold water on my face in a last-ditch attempt to clear the dullness from my head. As I'd guessed, there was a tentative knock on the door a second after the tap turned off. I cringed, even though I'd been expecting it.

"Almost…almost done," I managed, running a wet hand through my hair. God, I looked like a drowned rat. _Still an improvement from lately._ At least I was still alive. Through some fucking miracle or curse, I was still here.

I supposed I couldn't put this off any longer. I moved the toilet tank lid back where it belonged, which was harder than it should have been, and opened the door. Rochelle was sitting on the living room couch, but Nick was nowhere to be seen. _Huh. She cut her hair too. How'd I not notice that?_ I hadn't exactly been focusing on appearances, angry as I'd gotten, but she'd chopped hers off even shorter than I had. Well above her ears. _More practical. Less likely to get grabbed._ Seemed we had that much in common.

She tentatively smiled at me, looking like she was trying to convince a wild animal she wouldn't attack it. "I'm guessing you're hungry," she started, "I got one of those shake things out…"

I just nodded and sat. I knew I needed the food anyway, so I wouldn't put up a fight. There was another water bottle on the end table too, which I took and nearly drained in one long pull. That was likely where most of the headache was coming from, so hydration was my first priority. I twisted the plastic cap off the shake when Rochelle stayed quiet. Better for both of us if I wasn't talking on an empty stomach.

She seemed to realize she was staring and she shook her head, looking out the window instead. You could see some of the border wall from there, so I gathered we must be close to the edge.

"Kate…" she began, "I…don't know what to say. I wish to _god_ things hadn't turned out like this…" I nearly choked on my drink when I scoffed. I swallowed and fixed my gaze on the floor. I was so sick of everyone saying this had _happened_. Like it wasn't a decision. Wasn't even partly their choice.

"Yeah," I muttered, "People keep saying that."

Rochelle sighed again, "I know. And there's nothing I can say that can undo these last couple of years. I…I'm so…"

"Sorry?"

"Yes."

I shrugged and took another drink. Apologies wouldn't change anything. Accepting hers would only clear the air, and I didn't feel like being particularly cooperative. I set the empty bottle down and changed the subject before we could get any deeper,

"Can I go?"

Rochelle's shoulders dropped a fraction, but she didn't try to get me back on track. "Of course you can. Anywhere in particular you wanna see?"

Ah. It was going to be a tour then. Shit. I backpedaled. "Maybe a shower first is a better idea. Any other clothes I can change into?"

She frowned. "I don't have much that'd fit. We still need to pick up a kit for you from the center." I'd wondered about that. Wouldn't exactly be easy to live off one set of clothes if I was going to reintegrate into society. "I could give you something of Nick's to borrow for now?" she offered.

Much as I didn't want to depend on them, the offer was tempting. I hadn't had a full shower in months. Whatever sponge bath they'd likely given me in the med center hardly counted. I nodded,

"Sure. Thanks."

"No problem. Why don't you go ahead? I'll set the stuff outside the door for when you finish."

"Yeah."

Oh good. I seemed to be having trouble sounding like a human again. Back to baseline function mode. Whatever. I trudged off to the bathroom again, grabbing another one of those shakes on the way. They didn't taste like much, but I needed the calories.

I didn't linger too long in the shower, even though I was sure Rochelle wouldn't blame me. This damned suite was starting to feel like a prison, and I needed to get out. The sooner the better. I didn't even wait for the water to warm up. _Ugh_ …I hadn't thought about just how long it had been since I'd washed my hair. I scrubbed it twice with a generous amount of shampoo. Hopefully I hadn't been walking around with guts crusted in it again. Blood, brains, whatever.

Great, now I'd made myself nauseated. I swallowed thickly against the urge to vomit. Food wouldn't do me any good if I couldn't let it digest.

When I finally turned the water off, I was shivering. Maybe I'd overdone it with the cold water. I quickly grabbed a towel and dried myself. Better. Friction helped.

I looked at the pile of neatly folded clothes on the floor next. A pair of men's jeans, a belt, a plain red men's t-shirt. When I put the pants on, I actually had to tie the leather belt in a knot to keep them up. Sure, I was swimming in these, but at least they were clean. I glanced at myself in the mirror and scowled. _Let's just get this over with._

* * *

The settlement was well-established, all things considered. Rochelle told me the fence had been the first priority, far before any of us had made it here. First version had been a mishmash, any material they could find to even slow down the zombies. After the first winter, when a good portion of the hordes succumbed to the cold, they were able to upgrade. Twenty foot concrete walls, razor wire, a walkway and watchtowers for patrols, and two mechanical gates. Other than a sizeable crack from a charger last year, it had held up perfectly.

I was surprised how much else they'd managed. Once everything had been closed in, a solid square mile, they'd worked on converting the existing buildings into something more useful. The old Target was a warehouse. Walmart housed the training area. Most of the houses in the area had been stripped for supplies. It was safer to have everyone in the same area in case they needed to evacuate, so the couple hundred residents lived in the hotels. Easier to have the generators in a central area anyway.

I paid attention to what Rochelle told me, but I fixated on the training center. I couldn't afford to rest for long. The peace here could break at any second, and I needed to be prepared to run. Everything came to an end eventually. Maybe I could start in on some light weights, see what I could handle. Run a couple times this week, check my stamina. Find a sparring partner. God knew those lessons had come in handy against humans and zombies alike.

"…and once we pick up some clothes and things for you from the warehouse, we can head back." Shoot. I guessed I _hadn't_ been paying close attention. I just nodded.

"Uh…uh-huh. Sure. What about…shouldn't I move into a different room?"

Rochelle frowned. "I…figured you'd stay with us until Ellis got back."

"Because I can't stay on my own?"

"What? I…" Apparently I'd thrown her off again. Oops.

"I can't have my own room? No space?"

"Why would you _want_ to?"

"Why wouldn't I?" I shrugged and my back teeth clenched. "I'm used to it."

"Kate…" She just shook her head. Clearly, I was already wearing out my welcome. She sighed and ran a hand over her head. "I…we can talk about it. If that's what you want. You're still recovering. It's better if you have someone around just—"

"I've had worse."

"I _know_."

An uncomfortable silence fell, broken a minute later by a distant creaking that made me jump. Rochelle's expression softened fractionally,

"Sweetie," I was starting to bristle just at terms of endearment now. Charming. "It's just the gate." And here I'd thought I couldn't feel any stupider for my reactions. "Do you want to head over? I can grab your things, we can meet at the gate afterwards?" Maybe this was a compromise, an offer for some independence. Whatever the intent, I'd take it.

"Yeah. I…I'll see you there." I didn't wait for her response. If nothing else, it would be a good opportunity to learn my way out of here.

There were two gates in the complex, but the one I wanted took me nearly back to the hotel. Didn't seem to be a lot going on by the time I got there. There was a pickup truck armed to the teeth, complete with a turret and cowcatcher, but just a couple folks unloading it. Baskets of fresh apples. My stomach snarled, even though I'd been feeding it all morning. It wasn't often I'd run across fresh fruit. _How about you don't start your run here with theft? Just wait for Rochelle._

I took a step back and promptly collided with someone. Whoever they were, they were _substantially_ more solid than me and about knocked me on my ass. I stumbled back a few more steps, barely avoiding losing my footing entirely, and glared at his back. The man was already turning around and stumbling over apologies.

"Sorry! I…wasn't..." He trailed off, and both of us froze in the same instant. I recognized him first; he hadn't changed much, except for the heavy stubble. Seemed everyone had come out of Alaska cleaner than I had. Ellis's gaze dropped to my tattoo, and I automatically gripped my forearm.

" _Kate?_ " I retreated a step when he moved forward, and he stopped immediately. I nodded woodenly.

"Good thing we got these, isn't it?" I managed. My voice was brittle, bitter. In a saner state of mind, I wouldn't have blamed him for not recognizing me at first. After all the talking I'd done the last couple of days, it hurt more than I wanted to admit. But it passed almost as quickly. _Don't get attached again._ I pulled myself from that train of thought when he took another step toward me. I darted back out of reach, nearly stumbling over my own feet.

"What's…I…what's wrong?" Hm. Maybe he figured I didn't recognize him. As if I could forget.

"I _don't_ want to be touched, Ellis." It was a warning, though it came out so shaky no one would take me as a threat. I was underfed, dehydrated, and weaponless. Defenseless. Ellis didn't know how to react to that, but the confusion and hurt on his face lanced through me like a knife. He held his hands up and stopped.

"I'm not gonna hurt you, darlin'." I cringed. _Don't call me that._ "You know that…right?" _Sure, you'll just leave me on my own if things go south again._ I shook my head and backed away again.

"I don't. I need to leave. Don't follow me." The words might as well have been bullets, but I didn't stick around to see their results. I turned tail and _ran_. I needed to be anywhere but here.

* * *

July 2013

 _It was colder than Independence Day had any right to be, but I was warm. It was only 55 degrees outside, but I was curled up perfectly in a blanket with Ellis. Safe. Now that both our ribs had healed, laying down like this was a comfortable option again. My head and palm rested on his chest, his arms were wrapped around my back, and I was falling asleep to the steady sound of his heartbeat. His chuckle vibrated against my cheek._

 _"You're gonna miss the whole show, darlin'."_

 _"Don't care."_

 _He was right though. When was the next time we'd have fireworks? Sure, it was a little silly, but if rebuilding a civilization from scratch wasn't worth celebrating, what was? I sighed and rolled onto my back, tucking my head into his shoulder instead. He adjusted and shifted his hand to my stomach._

 _"Had to wake you up anyway," he said, leaning to whisper in my ear. "You_ snore _."_

 _"I do not! We've been over this!"_

 _"Well_ I _think it's cute as hell."_

 _"Bite me." Jerk was only doing it to make me blush. Might just be his new favorite hobby. It was an improvement though. We were safe, we were together, and nothing could change that. He pulled me closer as the first firework shot off. I couldn't help a wide grin. This was home._

* * *

 _A/N: Put the playlist up in my bio! And yes, this is going to be a lot less fluffy than OUAA. It's part of why I'm adding the fluffy flashbacks!_

 _To Sylissa: First, you are doing thirty times better reviewing in English than I would in German (which I'm trying to learn), so don't apologize! Good point on the chapter titles, and I am totally going to start using "carebear" on people. Kate is…definitely not a carebear. Thanks again for the review! I try to respond to all reviews I get, but anonymous ones need an author's note to get to! ;)_


	4. Aftermath

August 2018

I ran back the way I'd come, maintaining just enough presence of mind to dodge anyone in my way. My hands were already shaking. My breath was ragged, even though I hadn't run far. I didn't have much time to get _away_ before I lost control. _Too much. Can't stay in the open. Stay safe. Hide._

I couldn't hold it back anymore. I ducked behind the nearest building, praying no one was paying me close attention, and sank against the wall to the ground. My hands fisted in my hair and I drew my knees tight to my chest. I bit the inside of my lip hard enough to draw blood and the taste made me want to vomit. _Can't make noise. They'll find you. Should've waited. Need a safe room. Breathe. Can't breathe._

I couldn't concentrate. My skin was crawling so badly any contact at all made me want to scream. _Can't scream. They'll find you. Stay quiet. Breathe._ I needed to find a better hiding place, but doubted I'd be able to walk. _One more minute, then you need to move. You're vulnerable. You're in danger. You're alone. You're your own backup. You can't fail now. You'll never get home._

"Kate?"

He was looking for me. I should have been surprised. There wasn't much I could do if he happened to look in here. This level of panic attack wasn't something I could just talk through. I stiffened, shoulders bracing painfully against the concrete at my back. If I could only stay still, maybe he'd just pass me by.

"Kate? I'm…I'm _sorry._ _Please_ …"

As quickly as he moved on, he must not have seen me duck in here. _Good_. My shoulders shook as I exhaled in relief. Bad enough I'd run off like that in the first place. No way I could face him like this.

 _No_. I shook my head vigorously. Why did I feel guilty about that? I had the _right_ to seek space. Having people around, people I'd used to _know_ , threw me in a way I couldn't rationally explain. I swiped at my damp eyes and stood on unsteady legs. _Maybe I should eat again. Drink. Rest._ These attacks took more out of me than they had a right to. I sighed again, kneading my forehead. At least I was in a safe zone this time…

"Hey, you need help?"

I pressed my back to the wall, determined not to let anything behind me. I whipped my pounding head to the left to look at the speaker.

She was around my age, a little shorter than I was and wired with lean muscle. Her black hair was chopped into a ragged pixie cut. There was a long, jagged scar trailing from her temple to her throat. Whatever she'd encountered, it had been a painfully close call. She cocked her head, one broken eyebrow raising in either annoyance or confusion. It had gotten so impossible to read people. At least, to read them without overanalyzing every tic and syllable. I cleared my throat, barely managing to speak,

"…I'm fine..."

I was immediately cut off by her scoff.

"Bullshit. You're new here. Obviously. Fresh off the frontier, right? Not much used to talking, and you need a damned break. Food maybe? A drink?"

I nodded cautiously. I still couldn't quite figure out her motivation. What the hell did she want? "Food. Yeah. Do…" _Fuck_ that was a lot of syllables at once. I covered my instability by clearing my throat. "…d-do we have to eat in the dining hall…or…?" I couldn't even remember what Rochelle had called it this morning. Hadn't absorbed much of anything apparently.

"Nah." Her ready answer was reassuring at least. "I'll just need to duck in and grab something for us first. We can find a spot on the wall after. Or maybe a hotel lobby. You'd be surprised how many hidey holes there are in those if you know where to look…" She shook her head, realizing she was rambling and I was staring. "I'm Justine by the way. Jess if that's easier. You?"

I grimaced, biting hard on the side of my tongue to ground myself again. "It's Kate. Just Kate."

"Gotcha. Wait here. I'll be back in like…ten minutes?"

I wasn't sure if she was actually asking for my input, but I nodded anyway.

"Great. Be right back…"

I wasn't really sure what to do with myself in the meantime. I'd expended a lot of energy, so I just sat back against the wall again. I really was making a mess of things already, wasn't I? Running away, refusing to stay where I'd been told…but Ellis would have likely run into Rochelle by now. They'd put the pieces together from there. I didn't have the willpower or desire to help them figure it out.

Anyway, where would that leave me? I'd blown off literally everyone's apologies and comforts in less than a day. I knew damn well I wasn't worth that kind of effort as I was. _Oh for fuck's sake, could you decide whether you're going to be a sad sack or a vengeful bitch already? This is getting old._

Blaming myself for blaming myself for getting left behind was a headache I was _not_ interested in untangling at the moment.

Thankfully, Jess was back before I could keep circling the drain. More importantly, she had _food_. Sandwiches, from the smell of it. I swallowed to try to hide my mouth watering, but she cracked a smile.

"You're gonna hate me for this, but you realize you have to take it slow, yeah?" Still, she dug an apple out of the bag and handed it over. Must have snagged some from that truck. I took a huge bite before even bothering to nod. At least she'd had the good sense not to throw the damn thing. Doubted I would have turned it down even if it had hit the dirt though. I could list my favorite brands of cat food in a heartbeat by now. Jess smiled wryly and jabbed a thumb over her shoulder.

"Well…shall we?"

* * *

I decided almost immediately that I loved being on the wall. You could see forever, and no one on the ground knew you were there just by looking. It was as close to safe as I'd allow myself to feel anymore. I savored the last bite of my tuna sandwich like it was a five-star steak and let out a sigh of relief. I knew I hadn't eaten much, but I felt full for the first time in God knew how long.

Jess had largely left me alone since we'd climbed up here. I appreciated that attitude, but it felt calculated. I'd find out her game soon enough. I'd learned to be good at that for my own sake. Sure enough, the minute the food was gone, she started talking again,

"Been a while since you've had a good meal." _At least that wasn't a question. No need to respond._ She leaned back against the safety railing. "How long were you out there anyway?" _Well, shit._

"April," I answered shortly, gritting my teeth. No need to go into detail, but somehow four months alone didn't seem particularly impressive. Maybe she'd been expecting years. I continued with a reluctant sigh, "Been on the move almost two years. Been _alone_ since April. Maine."

"Shit."

"Mhm." If she was expecting this to be a fuzzy therapy session, she had another thing coming. I appreciated the food, but I was under no obligation to this woman. I didn't like the turn this conversation was taking. I could have left, but where would I go? Back to Rochelle and Nick's for an intervention? Maybe sleeping outside wouldn't be too bad, assuming I could remind myself I was behind walls and not _currently_ exposed to the undead. I wished I had my knife back.

"Been there," she continued, as if I'd given her a real response, "Not quite that long, but last winter. Lost track of most of my team. All except one. She got shredded by a witch…" I frowned, paying more attention now. Jess cracked half a smile at my expression, shaking her head,

"Yeah, yeah, I know. Worse ways to go though. Plain old vanilla infection. No story in that. Just days of people dragging you around until you can't be moved anymore. No last stand. All anticipation, no climax. Whatever."

My frown deepened, "Why are you telling me this…?"

She shrugged, "Empathy or something. Maybe a cautionary tale? Something like that. Want some advice?"

"Not really."

"See the doctor about those panic attacks. You and I both know that's what they are. He can give you something to help you relax."

I bristled, "I've got it _handled_."

"You can't _will_ them away. Doesn't work that way. And while you're at it…" She glanced through the rails, frowning, "…while you're at it, who's that dude who…was looking for you?" _Well, it's been two years and I just blew him off instead of saying hello. I'm gonna go ahead and say who the hell knows anymore?_

I stood abruptly and brushed my jeans off. "None of your damned business."

"Yeah?" Her expression darkened, "Well, he's definitely _yours_." Her expression darkened, and she stood to block my way to the stairs. "Avoiding them _isn't worth it._ We don't have time for that shit anymore." I tried to dodge around her, but she wasn't having it. She was quicker. Stronger. Maybe even angrier. She growled in frustration, "Goddamn it, you were gone two _years!_ Do you have any idea how _lucky_ you are? You think any of us are guaranteed two more years to get our shit together? You want to lose any chance you have of figuring this out? Be my fucking guest. Don't go crying to me when you lose your options."

I rolled my eyes and clenched my jaw, "I don't even _know you._ Trust me, you're not on my list."

She scoffed, "Yeah…is anyone?"

With that, she pushed past me forcefully and stalked off. _The hell is her problem?_ Whatever. I didn't need her guilt trip. I didn't need _any of them_. I ground a knuckle into my forehead for a moment, trying to stave off a headache. This was never supposed to be this difficult. How many times had I pictured my homecoming to get me through the day? Sprinting toward them in relief, feeling overwhelmingly safe… _yeah, with a big swell of the movie's score as the credits roll. Realistic._ It didn't matter, perhaps, but it had never looked anything like this. Why would I ever fantasize about isolating myself from my old friends when I hadn't spoken to a human in months?

I shook my head. Enough thinking. I needed to do something productive. Maybe I'd be able to test out the training center now that I had a decent amount of food in me. Maybe…wait.

I froze midway down the stairs. Something was wrong. _I'm not alone._ My shoulders tensed as I turned around. God, I needed a weapon. Why the hell hadn't they let me have a weapon? A shiver seized my spine, and I knew I was headed for another panic attack. _No no no, focus! You're in danger!_ I sank to my knees for stability, hoping I could at least manage not to fall down the rest of the open stairwell, and looked over my shoulder.

Ellis. Just Ellis.

Before I could think about it much, my tension drained. Old habits died hard. He started climbing the stairs, and fight or flight kicked back in immediately.

"D-don't…" I managed, gripping the railing for support. "I'm…I'm coming down…" Better than being cornered. I wasn't entirely sure where the other stairs were. Or gates. _Know your exits, idiot. Just because it isn't life or death_ this _time doesn't mean it never_ will _be._ I managed to get to the bottom despite my stiff joints. I considered it a very minor victory that I stayed largely calm. My hands were still shaking, so I hid them in my front pockets.

Neither of us spoke for a full eternity, which I largely spent staring at his shoes. When he cleared his throat, I startled and tensed further. Coughing had been a warning sign for months; I still wasn't sure my bruised rib had healed right from last spring.

"I…got your clothes?"

I looked up and frowned. Oh. How had I not noticed the duffel bag? I was still off my game. _Just dehydration is all. No need to go running to the doctor and give them a reason to lock you up or kick you out._ When a long moment passed without me finding my voice, he shifted the bag on his shoulder and continued hesitantly,

"Yeah, ran into Ro right after…well, right after I ran into _you_ , I guess…" He shook his head and flushed when I didn't react. "Anyway, figured ya wouldn't want to be stuck in the same clothes. 'Specially Nick's. Not that there's anything _wrong_ with Nick, it's just not comfortable when they don't fit right…"

If I didn't start talking soon, or at least change my expression, he'd keep this up until we were both dead.

"Ellis," I interrupted, knitting my eyebrows together, "I…can this wait…?"

That got a ghost of a smile out of him. That wasn't usually _my_ line.

"Yeah," he conceded, "You've got a point. Can we…go somewhere? Talk?"

 _We're already talking. Or you are._ Regardless, I nodded stiffly. "Where?"

"My room?" He backpedaled quickly at the skeptical look on my face. "Not to… _stay_ if ya don't want. Just to talk." Seemed he really _had_ talked to Rochelle. Fantastic. What else had she told him? I sighed, rapidly running out of energy to keep pushing back.

"Yeah," I conceded, "That's fine." The spark of hope in his eyes made me ache. Maybe I shouldn't have agreed so readily. I couldn't give him much of anything. I couldn't even have a normal human conversation. _You don't owe him anything. You don't owe anything to anyone. Remember that._

Hard to remember to stay frozen when he was looking at me like that, or when he instinctively reached for my right hand when we started walking. He stopped himself almost instantly and shoved his hand into his jeans pocket instead. I could almost hear what was running through his mind. _I_ don't _want to be touched, Ellis._ His respecting my wish should have been a relief. Instead, it felt like pressing on a bruise to see if it hurt.

There was a pause, but it didn't last long. Of course it didn't. Not with Ellis around.

"I think you'll like it here. I know Ro gave you the tour and all, but it's a lot to take in. Like they've got a rock wall in the gym. And they just put in a pool this year. And they move stuff for speakers on Saturdays. Music and dancing and…well…I guess it's all old, but there ain't really anything _new_ to pick…" We were just passing the training center. I supposed that explained why they were playing fucking "Party in the USA." _Yeah, thanks for the mood-appropriate tunes, Miley. Goddamnit._

"I guess that's if ya don't count Charlie though," Ellis continued, "Dude found a guitar and _won't shut up._ Like he's the chosen voice of the apocalypse or some damned thing. Ya know?"

Good _lord_ was he a lot to get used to after four months of solitude. I didn't answer. It didn't really put him off much, but I could feel his frown boring into the side of my skull.

"…Yeah. Anyway, I can show you when you're more up for it. If you want. Probably just want to get off your feet right now. They've got shower stuff in the bag. But you can borrow mine if ya want. You never were a big fan of the fruity flowery stuff…"

At this point, the shower sounded like a good idea. I just needed time to hear myself _think_. This was all too much too fast. I knew I was making him nervous, but I wasn't anywhere _near_ he right place to give reassurance. I just let him ramble on about anything, distantly grateful he wasn't really expecting a response out of me. If I focused on the rise and fall of his voice instead of his words, it was hypnotically soothing.

It couldn't last forever though. He wanted to _talk._ He'd want to know what had happened over the last two years. Giving the short version to Nick had been hard enough. I hadn't even scratched the surface; I'd just let them know who was alive…as far as I knew. My stomach plummeted at that thought and I did my best to shove the worry and bile down. _There's no way of knowing if they're okay anymore. You knew that when you left. So did they. They're probably on some goddamn boat somewhere or hiding out in Maine. Lying low. They're smart. That's why you got out. That's why you survived this long. No point in worrying about two people you'll never talk to again._

I bit the side of my tongue _hard_ to avoid making a noise.

 _God_ damn _them for leaving._

By the time I snapped out of it, we were back at the hotel. Same one Rochelle and Nick were staying in, which made sense. No point splitting up the remainder of the team. I trailed up the stairs like a ghost behind Ellis, saying nothing. He kept looking over his shoulder to check if I was still following. Maybe he thought I wouldn't notice. Regardless, by the time we finally got upstairs, I was ready to collapse.

The room was surprisingly bare. Bed was made up, nothing on the walls, nothing on the floor but another duffel bag. I frowned and leaned against the bathroom door frame. Did he even sleep here? This place looked like a jail cell. Here I'd half expected he wouldn't be here alone. It _had_ been two years since he'd seen me. Who would have blamed him for thinking I was dead? For moving on, especially with how fast and hard he fell for people? Maybe even with a kid. _Yeah. And whose fault is it_ that _didn't happen, Kate?_

Shit. I needed to talk; he was watching me. I swallowed and gestured awkwardly behind myself, "I'm going to…it's okay if I take a shower first?"

He seemed disappointed, but hid it pretty well, "Yeah, I…I can make you up a bath if you want?" He was so desperate to prove himself, I almost gave in. I shook my head.

"I…no. Th-thanks. I won't…I won't be long." Why I felt the need to reassure him when I was upset, I had no idea. Force of habit. No…that wasn't right. It'd been _too long_ to be habit. I didn't wait for an answer, I just took over his bathroom and closed the door behind me. I needed time to figure this out. Force everything to make sense.

I couldn't concentrate on anything else right now. I willed my mind to go blank in the shower. I focused on scrubbing every inch of my body until my skin stung. I shaved for the first time in weeks, muttering curses when my hands shook and nicked a spot.

I pushed past the taste of bile when I saw blood. It wasn't the same as my collection of other wounds—deep slices from witches and hunters, shallow bites from commons, bullet wounds from humans I'd pissed off by daring to run-but it brought back memories. I shivered and turned the temperature down. Warm blood running down my skin…I didn't need anything else reminding of that sensation.

* * *

January 2017

Stay awake. They're waiting for you. They're counting on you. We're leaving. _I fought to stay conscious through sheer will and slammed the military Hummer into drive. A handful of guards were in front of the hangar's exit, but this thing had bulletproof glass. They couldn't shoot me again._

How is there so much blood? _I knew not all of it was mine, but I was the source of enough of it to worry. At least two shots had found their mark…one near my shoulder and another in my left side, below my ribs. Hopefully they'd both gone all the way through, but that didn't matter now. I grit my teeth against the pain and ground the accelerator to the floor._

 _All but one of the guards managed to dodge as I barreled through the doorway._ Think about that later. _A spot of blood dripped from my hair into my already soaked lap. My stomach clenched._ It's better this way. Where would you be in a few months otherwise?

 _Something was wrong. The sooner I got to Zoey and Louis, the better. I wouldn't make it through this alone._

 _No one was getting left behind this time. We either all got out, or I wouldn't have to deal with bullet wounds for long._

* * *

 _A/N: Would have continued this longer, but this would have been another 2,000 words and two weeks of writing if I finished my entire thread here. Good a stopping place as any!_

 _Thanks again for the review, Sylissa! I promise Kate won't be sleeping in bathtubs this entire story!_


	5. Deflection

April 2018

 _The heavy snowfall that had kept us holed up here most of the winter was a blessing in disguise, I supposed. I would be okay on water as long as the snow stuck around. Full bottles were too heavy to carry long distance anyway. I was an idiot if I thought the SUV would last all the way to Tennessee; I had to plan to walk eventually._ Boots. Got good winter ones already. Tennis shoes are pretty light. Probably worth packing canvas ones at least. It'll warm up before I get there. _I heard the doorknob twist open behind me but didn't bother turning around. Zombies couldn't open doors, and I wasn't interested in talking to the other humans in the cabin._

Anything high-calorie and lightweight for food. Try to scavenge along the way. These supplies won't last long though.

 _"Kate?" The door creaked open. Zoey had a bad habit of knocking without waiting for an answer…and that was when she bothered to knock. I ignored her._

Weapons. The hunting knife is a good choice. No need to stop for ammo. Take the rifle for anything big and _only_ for anything big. Can't afford to be wasteful. Or loud. Not gonna have any backup after all.

 _She moved further into the room. "Look," she tried, exasperation slipping into her voice, "We can help you pack at least…"_

 _"I got it," I interrupted coolly, continuing to stuff supplies into the hiking backpack. Best to have something to grab if I had to leave the car quickly. A bug-out bag._

 _Zoey sighed. I turned to see her leaning against the doorway, arms loosely crossed. I shook my head and stood, unintentionally mirroring her position._

 _"You know," I reminded her sourly, "You're not making this any easier. It doesn't change anything."_

 _"No," she admitted. Her face hardened, every muscle warning me against arguing. "But you_ know _why we're not leaving." I shrugged, but my nails dug sharply into my forearm._

 _"And you know why I_ am _," I shot back. Her lips pressed into a thin line, and I knew damned well what she was about to say._

 _"The odds of them_ actually… _" She stopped herself, tucking a stubborn strand of hair behind her ear. Hers had stayed straight after we'd both started keeping it chin-length last year; how was that fair?_ No. Focus. _As if she'd heard my thought, Zoey shook her head and continued, "There's no_ way _they're at Sharon's safe zone. If there is one. We barely made it out as it was, and they weren't actively trying to_ kill _us…"_

 _Oh good. We_ were _going to have the same argument again. I ground a knuckle between my eyes for a moment before responding, "Zo…it doesn't matter. I need to try. I can't just…leave them guessing."_

 _"Yeah?" she retorted, "What makes you think they'd do the same for you?"_

 _"How do_ you _know they_ aren't? _"_

 _"They already left us once!"_

 _"They didn't have a_ choice! _"_

 _"There's_ always _a choice!" she snapped. Her head fell against the wall in frustration before she continued, "They chose to save their own skins. They knew there was a risk coming back for us and they_ chose _not to take it. You can argue all you want, but you're in denial and you damned well know it."_

 _I met her glare with my own. "Uh huh. Sounds_ real familiar _, doesn't it?" I scoffed and grimaced. "Probably why you're not making a big fuss, right? Suppose some of us are more_ your own _than others." That crossed a line. I didn't care. I was so fucking angry that I_ needed _someone else to hurt as much as I did._

 _Zoey stayed dangerously quiet for a long moment. "That's…" She shook her head and laughed humorlessly, "That's really what you think? You're not any different, Kate. You're just choosing a different family than we are. Don't forget that."_

* * *

August 2018

When I finally turned off the water, I was a shivering mess. I stepped out, drying my hair first and taking the opportunity to stare at myself in the mirror. The cold water _really_ hadn't improved anything; I looked like a pockmarked, half-drowned ghost. Scowling, I wound the towel around myself and tried to remember where I'd left my new clothes. I scoffed in irritation. Of _course._ I'd forgotten to bring in that damned bag. No clean clothes, and I'd been sweating too much to justify putting Nick's back on. I'd had more than enough of wearing the same outfit for days on end.

Grumbling, I took the robe from the hook on the door. Better than the towel; it'd cover up more of me. Less questions that way. Less _staring._ I drew the neckline tightly shut and cinched the waist together with the belt. I glanced in the mirror again and nodded to my reflection. Not perfect, but it covered everything important. Wasn't much below my knees to be concerned about. I dragged my fingers through my wet hair and frowned at the closed door. _Let's just get this over with._

Seemed Ellis had been busy while I was gone. The clothes and toiletries he'd picked up were unpacked from the bag and laid out in neat piles on the bed. He really was trying. That didn't make this any easier. I grimaced and sat delicately on the edge of the mattress, avoiding his eyes. _I'm not ready for this._

"You can go ahead if you want," I told him, "I mean…I need to get dressed anyway." I wasn't about to do that in front of him; even that small an action felt too…intimate. He hesitated before answering,

"You'll…still be here?"

 _Oh, so_ now _you don't want to go somewhere without me._ I hid my irritation behind a shrug and nodded.

"Yeah. I will." Where else would I go? No one had even assigned me a room yet. I didn't say another word and stayed rooted firmly in place until the shower started. I sighed, shook my head, and turned back to my clothes. It was unpleasantly warm in the room, despite some air conditioning, but I opted for sweatpants and a long-sleeved t-shirt over shorts. I'd need to warm up anyway; I was still chilled from my stupidly cold shower. _Good job, idiot. You'll wind up going from heat stroke to hypothermia in twenty-four hours._

I sat back on the bed, shoulders and back rigid and sore. Maybe it wouldn't hurt to lie down for a second. It'd be a minute before Ellis got back, and I knew damned well I was going to pace the room or bail if I didn't stay put.

I eased back on the mattress, closing my eyes as my joints popped in relief. I immediately regretted it; the sheets smelled like him.

That wasn't surprising, but it was unsettling how quickly that made me relax. How safe it felt. _This is wrong. Stop it. Get over it. Leave._ I had absolutely every intention of getting up. I could leave him a note, even though that hadn't been half a consideration with Nick or Rochelle. I didn't have to stay, but I couldn't fight the bone-deep, instinctive calm soothing my overactive senses. I curled into a loose ball, covering the creases of my arms with my fingers, and drifted into an uneasy sleep.

I startled half-awake when I heard the shower stop, but I didn't have the energy to lift my head, let alone move. I heard the doorknob twist but couldn't will my eyes open.

"Kate?" he called softly. He was trying not to wake me. That alone sent another fissure through my heart. I stayed frozen, trying to relax my breath so he'd be convinced I'd fallen asleep. But what then? Would he crawl in next to me? Hold me?

No. None of that. Something warm fell around my shoulders, a comforting weight that allowed me to exhale in relief. A minute passed, and he still didn't sit. My eyes cracked open a sliver. He was leaning against the hallway door, head resting against the wood like a backboard. He gave me half a smile, but didn't move,

"Hey."

Shit. He'd seen me. I managed a grimace and a response,

"Hey."

I shifted uncomfortably and the oversized sweatshirt he'd draped over me rode up. He hesitated, taking in my wary expression with a cautious smile.

"You…don't have to get up," he offered, "I can stay right here…or in the hallway. Somethin…" I shook my head and sat up. _Ugh. Sitting_ up _makes you dizzy now? Pathetic._

"No," I said, resigned, "You wanted to talk. We should talk." It was awkward sitting above him like this, so I slid to the floor with my back against the side of the bed. Much better. Eye level. Drew less attention to myself. I folded my knees to my chest and wrapped my arms around them. _How the hell are you still cold? It must be eighty degrees in here._ Ellis frowned,

"You okay?"

I shrugged, "Just cold."

"Not what I meant."

My lips quirked and my face went blank. Had anyone asked me that yet? I couldn't remember. I shrugged again,

"I'm…okay." The words came out like I was pronouncing something alien. Did it count if I halfway believed it? I'd never been a convincing liar. Ellis was clearly unimpressed, but he didn't call me out.

"Is there…" He cut himself off with an irritated shake of his head. His expression softened. "What can I do to help, Kate?" _A time machine would be nice. Maybe some selective amnesia while you're at it. How good are you at reanimating the dead without making them zombies?_ I didn't have a good way to respond. I repeated myself woodenly,

"I'm okay." He _really_ wasn't buying it now. That little line between his eyebrows was deepening. It was more noticeable than I remembered, more evidence that I'd been away for years. I spoke again before he had the chance, "I don't…I don't know." My voice lowered nearly to a whisper. "I don't know."

I dropped my head and dug my nails into my arms. What did I know about what I needed? I wasn't reacting to anything rationally, and my mind pinged between trains of thought without any focus. Maybe I needed to sleep again, even though that was practically all I'd done since arriving here. God, when was the last time I'd been this completely _exhausted?_ Tears pricked the edges of my vision, and I blinked them away in irritation. What the hell was _wrong_ with me?

Ellis was right in front of me suddenly. Kneeling. I didn't remember him getting up.

"Kate?"

I met his eyes briefly, and the concern there nearly broke me again. I looked away.

"Sorry," I said flatly, "I don't know _what_ my problem is." God, I felt foggy. I scrubbed a hand over my face to clear my brain and frowned when I swept beads of sweat from my forehead. Why was I sweating? I was _freezing._ To add insult to injury, the air conditioning kicked in and sent a stuttering breath of chilled air down my spine. I heard a plane taking off behind me and felt my heart sink. _No. Don't cry. It's what they want. Don't…_

Someone touched my forearms and I startled, eyes snapping open. Ellis was here. I was on the floor of his hotel room. My palms covered my ears and my fingers twisted in my hair. I was surprised I hadn't ripped any of it out by the roots again.

I let him gently tug my hands back down to my lap, but shrugged him off immediately after. I wasn't sure who I was protecting anymore, but my chest ached. I shook my head and winced, failing to pull a self-deprecating face.

"Sorry," I said, "Should I just…what did you want to know anyway?" I rubbed my knee and avoided his eyes. "You know what happened." _You fucking left us._

"Not everything."

I chuckled humorlessly. "Yeah? You want a recap? We got caught. The plane took off without us. Gundersen shot Francis. Infected Sharon. Made us _watch_. Discourage us from running again, you know." I was shivering again, but I wasn't about to stop now. I was on a goddamned roll. I barked another laugh, startling myself. "Yeah, that didn't work. Confined us to the hospital, but couldn't keep us inside all damned day. We figured out how to communicate during yard time. Recess. Whatever." _And managed to hide that I was sick as a fucking dog the whole time._

"Oh, and it turns out they're _a lot_ less invested in keeping carriers alive when they've tried to run away twice. Shot actual bullets at us this time. Guess they'd had enough of our shit." My fingers ghosted over my ribs and left shoulder. I'd been lucky those hadn't hit anything vital…

I shook my head and managed to snap myself out of it. No good remembering now. I shrugged, knitting my hands together to keep them from wandering again.

"I didn't die," I said, stating the obvious, "So we just headed south as fast as we could. Had to hole up for winter, even though we were only a couple months behind you guys. If you'd made it out alive. We still weren't sure, you know. And Minnesota winters don't have _shit_ on Canada. Had to learn a lot of that after the fact though. Blood loss, lost…some immunity or something. Nasty infection. Had a fever for a solid few weeks. Had to sleep between Zo and Louis so I didn't freeze to death. Good thing I didn't have to do _that_ part alone, or I wouldn't be here, right?"

I didn't wait for a response or reaction. My eyes were firmly shut at that point, and the ringing in my ears was drowning out everything but my own words. I impatiently rolled my wrist.

"Fast forward, we drop back into the U.S. Made a couple pit stops, but I didn't realize just how far east we'd gone until we saw the Maine signs. By then, the weather was acting up again and we had to hunker down. Nice little abandoned cabin out there. No one was actively dying at that point either, so…bonus!" I laughed again, cracking my voice.

"Apparently everyone changed the plan without me though. Figured you guys were long dead or…moved on without us, so we might as well stay outta the way where it's safe. So then I spent four fucking months walking down here. Had a few laughs, a few more near-death experiences, and…" I waved my hand impatiently, rapidly losing any capability for coherent speech.

"Here…here I am, I guess."

The heavy pause that followed weighted me in place, leaving only the insistent pound of my pulse in my ears. When I calmed enough to regain my senses, I heard his breath hitch. My heart plummeted as a few fat tears escaped the corners of my eyes. _You made him cry. Fix it. Leave._ I swallowed thickly before speaking again,

"I…I should…" It'd be easier if I could manage to get out a full sentence. It didn't matter; I was interrupted.

"Kate…" He took a long, shaking breath, "I…Francis…he was the only other one who could fly. If I hadn't taken off…" He didn't need to say it. I cut him off with a whisper instead,

"Then all of us would have been captured. Not just us." _Not just our family._ I clenched my jaw. "Everyone trying to leave. Dozens of people. I know. Right call." I shook my head and stood. "I…" How the hell was I supposed to explain what was going through my mind? I _knew_ he was right. I probably would have made the same call myself, no matter how much it killed me to do it. It didn't change the intervening months, or how I felt about them. How was that fair?

"…I need air."

"Kate…"

"I'll be back."

I didn't know if that was true, but it seemed the least I could do for bolting on him again. I hurried out the door gracelessly, hands diving back into my hair the moment the door shut behind me. I didn't care where I went, other than _away._

 _Running away from your feelings, huh? So mature. Just like the good old days. Why didn't you have the decency to forget about coming here and just die?_

Oh good. My inner monologue was getting hostile again. Excellent.

I didn't have a specific direction to go, for once, but I wound up following the dull throb of music back to the rec center. At least a place that loud might keep me from thinking.

The setup inside wasn't anything fancy. The dance floor they'd cleared probably wasn't any bigger than what we'd had for dorm parties in college, the speakers were modestly sized and hooked up to a laptop, and the lights had been dimmed to the point I was surprised anyone could see what they were doing. I didn't recognize the music, which sounded like an auto-tuned carnival ride to me, but the crowd clearly did. They kept shouting along whenever a countdown started. _Damn that voice sounds familiar though_.

Whatever. It wasn't important. I had the noise and now I needed to find a corner I could avoid everyone in; not only did I not want to talk, but the walk over here had made it painfully obvious I should've worn a bra. I crossed my arms over my chest and craned my neck. Maintenance scaffolding. Perfect.

I navigated to one of the circles of lawn chairs near the edge and asked for a drink. I must've looked awful; they just handed me their half-empty bottle without a word. I nodded in awkward thanks and headed for my perch.

I caught myself humming along as I climbed, mostly to distract myself; I still hadn't forgotten falling off that goddamned roller coaster at Whispering Oaks. I would have been toast a week into the apocalypse if Ellis hadn't caught me. _Yeah…maybe_ don't _think about that right now?_

"Five four three two one…" Catchy little bastard. I finally made it to the platform, a couple stories above the small crowd, and popped the cork out of the open bottle I'd nabbed. I took a short pull without looking at the label and grimaced. _Scotch as brain bleach, huh? Ain't you a classy bitch?_ Pretty smooth though, and sweet for hard liquor. _Probably expensive then. Nick would know. Fancy ass._ I tilted the bottle back for a more conservative sip. Not bad. Probably an acquired taste, like just about anything else.

The song had changed by the time I was paying attention again, something else I didn't recognize, but something folks below took as a clear invitation to dance dirty. I thought I saw the woman who'd cornered me earlier today down there, partnered up with a gorgeous blonde. _Damn. Good for you, nosy stranger lady._ No one else I recognized though, so I was in the clear. I drummed my heels lightly against a support pole in time to the music. When was the last time I'd actually heard music instead of my own shitty voice? Probably on the drive down here, before the car broke down. Normally, even that would have jolted me down the road to negative nostalgia, but the scotch and pounding music were doing their jobs.

Not healthy. Not smart. _Thank God I can't hear myself think._

As the hours ticked by and the bottle grew lighter, I leaned further against the safety railing, exhausted. More than a little dizzy too. _You still need to get down that ladder, you know. Smooth move, Ex-Lax._

The music had quieted down to something that was clearly wrapping up the evening anyway. The hair on the back of my neck pricked when with the slow acoustic guitar intro. I recognized the song. Or the artist at least My head lolled to the side and I squeezed my eyes shut against a massive head rush. _Just what I need right now. The saddest fucking Taylor Swift song in existence. Don't flatter yourself, Kate. You're the Gyllenhaal here._ I groaned and gripped the rail hard. Nope. I was getting the hell out of here before I had a drunken crying fit. The wet tear plopping onto my bottom lip meant it was a little late for saving my dignity.

Determined, I ignored the slow dancing couples below and stumbled to the ladder. Dumb idea, but I'd rather break a leg than listen to more of this. _Haha, even the music's yelling at you. You think you're so damned innocent._

I fumbled my hands and feet on the ladder more times than I cared to admit, but I made it to the bottom just as the song was winding down. I broke into an uncoordinated run then, hoping to get back to the hotel without any confrontation.

I slowed after passing a few buildings, resting a hand on the nearest wall as the world spun. _God_ , I felt like shit. I had to keep my lips firmly clamped together to stop anything coming back up. Hurling on the sidewalk would really be the _cherry_ on top of the crap sundae of a night.

I groaned and stumbled forward a few more steps before I realized I had no idea where I was going. _Shit. I thought the hotel…thing…was…close to the wall? West maybe. Am I…am I heading west?_

"Oookay, Katie," I mumbled aloud, "Where the _shit_ are you going. Tall building. _Taaaall_ building. Uh…a-ha!" _There_ was the bitch. Almost ho…nope. Almost _back_. Yup. Only a couple more blocks. The pavement melted away under my feet much faster than I was expecting. That disoriented me even further. To add insult to injury, now I had a new problem. Where the hell was Ellis's room?

 _Okay, just don't think too hard. Zone out and walk until, like…it feels kinda right. Third floor maybe? No, shh! Stop thinking!_ I stumbled up the stairs, stopping on the third floor and plopping down in front of the first door that felt right. _Close enough. Fuck it._ My head sank back against the wood with a too-loud clunk.

The door a few rooms to my left opened. Damn. I'd been twenty feet off. Not bad for being drunk off my ass.

I gave Ellis an embarrassed little wave, "Hi. I… _may_ have forgot where your room…uh…went. Didn't wanna knock. It's late. _Super late._ "

He frowned and knelt in front of me. "Yeah…I can see that."

I wrinkled my nose. "You smell like whiskey."

"Uh…you too?"

"It's _scotch_ ," I huffed, "It's _different_."

"That's just Nick talkin'." He shook his head. "C'mon. You need to get to bed."

I didn't trust my legs at this point, so I held up my hands and wiggled my fingers. He raised a skeptical eyebrow and hesitated. Oh, right. I'd been making a huge deal about anyone touching me. It seemed less important when I wasn't sure I could walk without crashing into walls. I gave a wobbly smile,

"My legs don't work."

"Guess not. C'mere." He took my hands and hauled me to my feet, loping an arm around my waist when it seemed I might topple right back over again.

"Lucky I survived that ladder," I commented, shuffling along to his room. He didn't answer. I was pretty sure he was ignoring me. Totally didn't blame him. I wasn't making a ton of sense anyway.

He deposited me on the bed and helped me get my shoes off after my kicking proved ineffective. Criminy, that was embarrassing. I couldn't even undress myself. At least I was dressed for bed. Less he needed to do. I rolled over onto my stomach, trying to figure out where he'd gone. How did he move so fast? The minute I tried to figure it out, he was illuminated in the bathroom doorway with a glass of water in hand. I beamed.

"Found you!"

He snorted, "Yeah, you're definitely drinkin' this _now._ And then some."

Water was a good idea. Food was a better one, but those shakes wouldn't absorb the acid sloshing in my stomach for shit. Probably would only make me more pukey. I rolled back over and managed to sit unassisted. I took the glass. Still tasted coppery from the tap, but I downed that water like it was nectar of the gods. I set the glass on the nightstand and flopped back onto the pillows, smacking the spot beside me.

"If we're not sharing…" I mumbled, closing my eyes, "…then it's _my_ turn to…sleep on the floor."

At that point, I must have fallen asleep for a second. When my eyes opened again, I was covered by a blanket and Ellis laid on his side next to me. Face to face. That was awkward. I chewed my cheek,

"Uh…did I steal your side of the bed?"

He chuckled weakly and shook his head. "Nah. You c'n have it."

I frowned, that train of thought immediately replaced by another. My focus was completely shot and my filter was flat-out _gone_.

"I don't really…know why I'm mad at you," I told him, nodding as if that made a difference.

"Okay…?"

"Maybe I'm not." I shrugged and snuck my arm under my pillow. It was too dang flat to support my wobbly head. "Maybe I'm just mad at…stuff. The world and things. Other…other people." He sighed.

"Maybe this should wait until you're sobered up."

"I'm _not—_ "

"Yeah you are."

"Well, I _mean it_ though."

"I know. Get some sleep."

"…okay."

I humored him and closed my eyes, but they popped back open in less than a minute. He hadn't even bothered shutting his eyes as far as I could tell. I cleared my throat,

"Ellis?"

"Hm?"

"You're not…going anywhere, right? I mean…if I say I'll stay, you'll stay too?" I hated how desperate that sounded, and how selfish it was to ask of him when I'd run off _twice_ in the same day, but I couldn't have stopped the words if I'd tried. I wouldn't have been surprised if he left then and there, but he just held out a pinkie and gave me a reassuring smile. I hooked my finger with his, grinning in brief relief before crashing back against the pillow. I was asleep almost immediately.

* * *

January 2017

 _I was dreaming; that had to be the reason I was warm again. I only felt a dull throb wherever the pain had been. It was comforting. Like a heartbeat. Someone was talking, but I could only make out short bursts of distinct words._

 _"…exit wounds. Still bleeding like…"_

 _Louis. Well, that was good. When had I picked them up?_ Am I still driving? I shouldn't be. _I was pretty sure I was laying down though. No way I could reach the pedals from here._

 _"We can't stop now! I think we…"_

 _Zoey. Sounded like she was further away though, like she was underwater or on the wrong side of a fan. A bump jolted me, and I heard a thin whimper. Was that me? I'd barely felt anything. Still couldn't. I didn't have cause to complain._

 _"Watch it!"_

 _"…main road? They'll…us back! Keep…awake, damn it!"_

 _Something cold hit my face, and I barely cracked my eyes open. They fluttered shut again almost immediately._

 _"Q-quit it…" I muttered. I wanted to raise a hand to bat people away. I just wanted_ rest. _Hadn't I done enough today? Zoey and Louis were talking again, but I could hear even less now. It was nice. Quiet. I could imagine I was anywhere else. Any_ time _else. With people who may have been dead for months._

 _Daydreaming helped. Everyone was happier and, more importantly,_ alive _in my imagination. We'd have our own houses, right next to each other. A couple of dogs. Cats. Francis liked cats. Yeah…that's right. And the zombies would all just pop out of existence like battle droids in_ Phantom Menace. _And we'd have thirty, no,_ eighty _-foot walls to keep all the assholes out._

 _And we'd see our families again. Ellis could meet my parents and sisters. I'd meet his mom. And Keith, of course._

 _Shit, he'd need to live a few miles away for everyone's safety though. Common sense, there._

 _Bill. Zoey's parents. Anyone else any of us wanted. No reason I couldn't bring back the dead in my own fantasy, damn it. And_ no one _was coming back as zombies. Just good old-fashioned resurrection._

 _And all our kids would go to the same schools. Kids with no memory of the apocalypse, who only had to worry about…about normal kid things. Getting dirty. Climbing trees. Asking daddy to braid their hair because mommy didn't know how._

 _Happily fucking ever after. If this was my last thought, it would be a good one._

* * *

 _A/N: This will likely be the last update until November at least. I have a huge exam coming up on Halloween this year, and I'm basically studying whenever I'm not working. Wish me luck!_

 _To Sylissa: The closest I could find is "a chicken who had found a knife". Am I close? Couldn't find anything regarding earthworms, but figure the meaning is close! Thanks again for reviewing!_


	6. Story of Us

November 2017

 _It was Thanksgiving today, best as we could guess. Definitely a full year or more since our botched escape. Whatever it was, the three of us wanted to mark the occasion. We sprawled in front of the fireplace, passing wine bottles in silence. No one was too inclined to talk. It was easier to lay together, Zoey's head on Louis's shoulder, mine in Zoey's lap. I put my bottle aside and rested my hands lightly on my stomach._

" _We're still here," I muttered, closing my eyes. Zoey scoffed._

" _Well…yeah," she said it in such a way I could practically hear her roll her eyes, "Existing. We kick_ ass _at it."_

" _Surviving," Louis corrected patiently, as if he hadn't been warding off our collective pessimistic miasma for months now, "And for the record, making it all the way across a freakin' continent on our own is pretty damn impressive."_

 _I chuckled and raised my bottle, "I'll drink to that."_

" _You'll drink to anything," Zoey retorted. That would have stung if she hadn't clinked her bottle against mine in solidarity. This shit was_ hard. _No one understood better than her. We both had people we'd lost. We both knew ones that weren't coming back. Louis did too, but he always made it too difficult to get righteously angry:_

"Hey, at least they're in a better place now, right?"

"I'm sure they wouldn't want us hurting like this."

"It's best to remember the good times. Move on, you know?"

 _Zoey let me get_ angry. _Hell, we_ encouraged _each other to be pissed. To remember. It was why she was the only one I'd told about Jimmy; we grieved the same way. We understood how to talk to each other without shutting down._

"I wish we got our hands on Gundersen."

"We should have known better. Thinking this shit was over."

"C'mon, Katie. Time for another leg of the Great Apocalyptic Road Trip."

* * *

August 2018

I slept fitfully, even through this was my first time sleeping in a real bed in months. It was too hot. No, too cold. My stomach hurt. My head _really fucking_ hurt. It was too bright in here. I squinted my eyes open and the slice of light invading the crack in the curtains cut my brain in half. _Ugh. Morning already?_

I thoroughly regretted the scotch.

My head was swimming. Felt like being rocked on a boat after a storm. No…wait. I was actually moving. I chanced cracking my eyes open again and realized I'd cuddled up to Ellis at some point. My head rested on his chest and his arms wound around me. His hands lay at the small of my back where my shirt had ridden up. One thumb ghosted gentle circles over the scar on my left side, but I couldn't tell if he was awake.

I sighed, but made no move to extract myself. Wasn't surprising. This was how we used to sleep. At least I hadn't woken up to him spooning me. I didn't care for him touching that scar though. He'd probably gathered how I'd gotten it after my outburst yesterday, but other details I was taking to the goddamn grave.

I swallowed hard and squeezed my eyes shut. Thinking about it wouldn't help right now. I allowed a couple tears, but only because I didn't think he'd notice. His hand stilled on my back and his voice vibrated against my ear.

"Kate?"

I took a deep breath, doing my best to level out my voice.

"…'m awake…" I mumbled. Ugh…my mouth tasted like ass. I swallowed against a wave of nausea and bolted upright. No _way_ was I barfing in his bed. I stumbled to the bathroom, careening from the obscene head rush from just getting _up_.

I barely made it to the toilet before unloading everything I'd had the night before into the bowl. _Charming_. I put the lid down, flushed, and rested my cheek against the toilet seat. Maybe the cold would help the raging headache pounding behind my eyes and the black dots floating in front of them. I shivered as a stab of heat pulsed though my skull. Not that I generally made a habit of hangovers, but this was the worst of my life. I felt the way roadkill looks.

Oh, and I'd forgotten to close the goddamned door.

 _Oh,_ that's _who that was. Speaking of…five four three two, one more time!_

I got the lid open and hit the target again. Small miracles.

 _Maybe keep it open this time, dumbass. You're gonna make a mess on his floor at this rate. Idiot._ I lifted my head to find Ellis, unsurprisingly, hovering in the doorway.

"You okay?"

Obviously not. I shook my head, wincing through another shiver. My back teeth clenched as I bit out an answer,

"Overdid it. Dumb. I know. Go back to bed." Even that minimal effort earned me a head rush. I slumped against the bowl again; at least the porcelain was cool.

"Not a chance." He crouched next to me and pressed the back of his hand to my forehead. _Always the mother hen when Rochelle isn't around._ He frowned and shook his head. "You're burnin' up."

I weakly swatted his hand away. "I'm not _sick,_ " I insisted, closing my eyes to guard against the too-sharp light, "Just hungover." More than a little irritated and embarrassed with myself too. _He shouldn't be taking care of you. You make him feel like he_ has _to._

"Hangovers don't give you a fever. I need to—"

"No doctors," I interrupted, gnawing the inside of my cheek.

"Kate, you're _sick._ "

I supposed I couldn't fight him on that one much longer. I shook my head so violently I smacked it against the side of the tub. "I don't care. _No doctors._ "

He hadn't been there for the worst of it. The reduction to measurements on a clipboard, numbers in a database. Blood draws scarring my arms. Guns and tasers directing my movements. Another wave of nausea swept over me, but I swallowed hard against it and cracked open my eyes.

"Ellis, _please._ " I hated begging. Desperate times called for desperate measures. He rubbed a hand over his face in clear frustration.

"No doctors," he relented, shaking his head, "Unless it gets worse. They already know we're carriers, Kate. Everyone here is. They won't hurt you for gettin' sick."

Right. The scars. Either that, or the others had been in the community long enough to be taken at their word vouching for me. It didn't mean I had to trust anyone, but Ellis had a point; this wasn't worth dying over. I nodded.

"Deal," I agreed reluctantly, "Is anyone gonna care if I take another shower?" After getting clean for the first time in months, the slightest stink on myself drove me nuts. Besides, cool water might clear my head somewhat.

"No…?"

Why was he so hesitant? I was fine.

I moved to stand, but nearly tugged the entire shower curtain off its rings when I lost my balance. Ellis sighed and caught me under the arms before I could fall too far.

Okay. I was…less than fine.

"Maybe it's better if we get you back to bed," he suggested pointedly. I shook my head and pulled away to sit on the edge of the tub.

"I can always just sit." He was still hesitant, but no _way_ was I getting back in bed with the stink of last night all over me. "Cold water might help, you know."

"That's bullshit." _Well,_ that _didn't work._ My mouth twisted and I gnawed the inside of my cheek briefly.

"Okay, you've got me. That doesn't help a…fever." _After all this shit, I'd hesitate to call anything a flu._ "I just want to clean up quick. Five minutes, tops."

"And let you pass out again and drown."

"C'mon, you can't drown in a shower."

A long pause. He took a long breath and worked his jaw before speaking again.

"I don't want to take the chance." His voice had a rough edge; I probably shouldn't have joked. And to think, two years ago I would have used that opening to invite him to join me. _Back when everything was easier._

"Wait here until I'm done?" I suggested finally. That got a reluctant nod.

"I can do that."

He even turned around so I could get in without him looking. It was the only right thing to do, but it just underlined how uncomfortable this was. I just nodded in return and took the world's quickest shower. Forget the hangover and fever; at this stage I just wanted to stop worrying him.

* * *

June 2013

 _Once we were assigned our roles within the CEDA camp, our living quarters expanded. We went from effectively a dorm room to furnished one-bedroom apartments. Staff was treated well, apparently. Zoey and Nick were particularly pessimistic, but I was just relieved to have room to settle. Ellis and I had our own space…no more sneaking into my room. I could think about the other pieces later._ _Like trying to reconcile what Zoey had told me about Millhaven to how carriers were treated here._

 _Carriers experimented on and destroyed when no longer useful._

 _An entire base full of carriers given their own place here._

 _There had to be people who'd survived_ without _a carrier status. Where the hell_ are _they?_

 _I shook my head and fiddled with the little yellow boombox on the kitchen counter. Radio stations didn't come in anymore, but folks brought CDs in on supply hauls sometimes. Ellis had promised to try and find some. Hey, I didn't have a problem with more Midnight Riders. I supposed we hadn't talked music much._

 _When the door opened, he stood there with a sheepish look and four CDs. I grinned and grabbed for them before he could protest._

 _"Finally!" I exclaimed, popping the top one open without looking at the cover. "Time to test this out…" I popped the pale blue disc into the player and watched it whir. The speakers worked, even if the sound was a little tinny. Was that a banjo? I shouldn't have been surprised it was country._

 _Hang on…that sounded familiar. I looked over my shoulder to see Ellis turning beet red. I turned the case over in my hands and my grin widened._

 _"Didn't take you for a Taylor fan."_

" _I…uh…had this in high school…"_

" _2006? This is a no judgment zone. Pretty sure I was carrying around the_ Shrek _soundtrack that year. Um…" I flipped through the remaining albums and bit my lip, trying not to laugh. "And 2008…and 2010…and 2012…holy shit…" He'd gotten her whole discography. I scanned the back of the latest one in silence, realizing I knew…maybe two. Nope, three. "22"_ _had been playing_ non-freaking-stop _right before Spring Break. I looked up with a grin and handed the cases back._

" _Ellis? I take it you have some recommendations."_

* * *

August 2018

The first day was a miserable shitshow. Once I'd put on fresh clothes and gotten back into bed, I _could not_ get comfortable for the life of me. Too hot. Too cold. Black dots swimming across my vision even when my eyes were closed. Shivers wracking my body if I took the comforter off. Ellis didn't leave for a minute; someone was kind enough to check up and drop off food. A couple others dropped by, but I was too out of it to try and check who it was.

He made me drink water when I was hot, held me against his chest when I froze. This time, I didn't object to being touched.

* * *

July 2013

 _I nearly fell asleep through the first album. Some combination of not recognizing any of the songs and Ellis absentmindedly humming along while braiding my hair put me out like a light as we lay on the couch._

* * *

August 2018

The following days were even worse. I didn't do much more than stay in bed and sleep fitfully. My lips and the insides of my cheeks were always raw and sometimes bleeding when I woke; it was hard to break the habit of literally biting down to keep quiet at night. It usually did the trick keeping infected away from whatever shoddy hiding place I'd found. Unfortunately, I was pretty sure it didn't fool Ellis.

It was hard to tell if it was the fever or being half asleep, but he always seemed to hold me closer after nightmares. I woke one night to find him running his fingers through my hair, fingertips barely skimming my scalp. I was so goddamned touch-starved, the gesture brought a lump to my throat. I couldn't count the number of times I'd tried to comfort myself like that, acting like I had another person there. Stroking my own hair, massaging my shoulder, holding my hand. Squeezing my thigh or hip. Sometimes just tracing lines over my face or palm.

I didn't open my eyes. I wasn't going to ruin the moment with words.

* * *

September 2013

Fearless _always brought me right back to high school. I'd recorded "Love Story" and "You Belong with Me" off the radio on my old MP3 player since I didn't have the money to buy the full album. Hearing the title track for the first time had kicked my ass. Ellis laughed when he caught me singing to it while washing dishes one night. Thing was a damn earworm._

* * *

September 2018

It had been a good while since an illness had knocked me on my ass so hard. I supposed if you pushed any body for long enough, it'd rebel. That it would only collapse when you were completely spent and gone, or when you finally felt safe again. That last bit made me uneasy. I couldn't lean into feeling protected. Who knew the next time I'd be on my own?

Two weeks had already passed since I'd arrived. I'd wasted enough time already.

* * *

October 2013

 _"Sparks Fly" wasn't a singing-along song apparently._

 _"C'mon, darlin'. This is a dancing song."_

 _I took his hand._

 _"I can multitask."_

 _He spun me. Bastard had me laughing and out of breath well before I could put on my best drawl for "like a firework show." Damn. Foiled again._

* * *

September 2018

I dug through my duffel bag. Shoes, socks, sports bra, shorts, tank. I preferred more coverage, but jogging in sweatpants in ninety degree heat would put me right back on bed rest. I'd take a couple laps around the track and hopefully not embarrass myself. I was finishing lacing my shoes up when Ellis came back with breakfast. He frowned.

"Where're you going?"

"Rec center," I answered casually, grabbing a plain biscuit from the plate he'd set on the nightstand, "I was 99 this morning. Normal. Need to get moving again." Oh, criminy. He had _that_ look on his face. Same grimace he'd had every time I'd pushed myself the last several days.

"I'm…not sure that's a good idea."

"Won't know unless I try."

"You nearly hit 103. Joan said—"

"Doctors don't know everything."

I wasn't going to sit through another lecture on that. He'd kept his end of our deal to a point, but he'd still _talked_ to a doctor. He'd come back from that doorway meeting with a penciled list of what I needed to brought in _immediately_ for. Fever over 103 was item number one, underlined, circled, and the reason he kept a thermometer and a backup in the bedside drawer.

"We could take a walk instead?" he suggested hopefully. I shook my head and swallowed a mouthful of biscuit.

"Nah. You gotta get back to work." He'd done next to nothing but babysit me since I'd gotten here. The base needed their mechanic back.

"Trav can handle it." God was he stubborn. I smiled tightly, lips pressed together.

"You can't _walk_ away from zombies, Ellis." That got a frustrated sigh out of him.

"You don't have to. We've got walls, we've got guards, we've got guns. We're _safe_ here."

"For now," I conceded, "And that's subject to change. I'll be back for dinner."

* * *

November 2013

 _Was it cliché to love_ Red _? I didn't give a shit. It was also the one album Ellis_ insisted _on playing start to finish every time we put it in._

 _"You can't rush art!" I teased, but he just nodded with as serious a grin as he could manage._

 _"Wish I could've seen this one. Ma and I had tickets. Went every tour." He chuckled. "Keith never let me hear the end of that."_

 _I scoffed, "Not your fault he's allergic to good taste."_

* * *

September 2018

Five miles...give or take anyway. I wasn't sure how accurately the indoor track had been measured. Fifteen or twenty was a good day on the road. I wasn't usually so bone-deep _exhausted_ at the end of that either. I tried not to limp too obviously on the way back to the hotel, but everything already ached. My feet throbbed, my calves felt tense enough to split open at the seams, and I had a stabbing pain in my right hip.

 _God_ , did I have a long way to go. This was downright pathetic. _You wouldn't survive a day like_ _this on your own. Fix it._

I tried the handle of Ellis's door and was disappointed to find it unlocked. As far as I could tell, he hadn't even gotten up from the bed. I sighed and shut the door behind me, clicking the lock out of habit.

"You're limping," he told me. I wrinkled my nose at the whiskey smell of his breath. _Not that you're one to talk_. I shrugged.

"First day back," I said casually, plopping on the floor with a hiss. I wanted these damn shoes off. My feet had their own pulse. I yanked one off without untying it and let out a sigh of relief, "It's bound to go better tomorrow."

"Tomorrow? _Again?_ "

I rolled my eyes and popped the other shoe off more forcefully than necessary.

"Yes, _again_ ," I bit out, mirroring his tone, "No, I'd _much_ rather play the invalid and be the first one gutted by a Hunter next time things go to shit. Good idea."

"We won't let that happen."

"Right."

" _I_ won't let that happen."

" _Again_ , you mean?" I stood, feeling less than impressive on overworked legs. I scowled. "Because unless I'm _way the fuck off base_ here, I'm pretty sure no one _intended_ leaving me behind the first fucking time." He scrambled to his feet too, making me tilt my head up to meet his eyes and his next words:

"Of course not!"

"Then let me take care of _myself_. I've got this. I've _had_ this."

"I just want to help!"

" _I don't want your help_!"

When had this escalated to a shouting match? I had risen up on my toes, face to face with his shattered expression. I fell back, rocking onto my heels with a wince.

"I don't want your help," I repeated, lowering my voice, "I don't _need_ your help. I haven't...needed anyone..." _Not in a long time_. I shook my head. "I'm not about to start now."

* * *

November 2016

 _"You look like shit," Zoey informed me the moment we stepped outside. I clamped my lips together and swallowed hard. No way was I puking again. Not in front of the guards and medical staff. I shook my head pointedly._

 _"Yeah. Something I ate." She took the hint immediately, comprehension dawning over her face. Her voice lowered,_

 _"Breakfast didn't agree with you again?"_

 _"Neither did dinner." And my stomach was_ still _roiling, even though there couldn't possibly be anything left in it._

 _"No one blames you for feeling sick," she said carefully, "It's…it's only been a week." She was giving me an out to anyone who might be listening. It had been a week since we'd failed to escape. She and Louis were the only two I_ knew _had survived. I hadn't slept soundly since; too much nightmare fuel and no one sharing the bed to comfort me. But I suspected that wasn't the explanation. I nodded, belying the words I spoke in hardly a whisper,_

 _"I'm late."_

* * *

 _A/N: So that was quite the hiatus. Unfortunately didn't pass that exam, so am studying again for May. Gonna be slow on the updates, but what else is new? I'll update when I can, and be warned that the angsty stuff is going to continue for a while here (again, nothing new here). Thanks to Sylissa for reviewing!_


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